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office personality - who's who in the office jungle
By Dr David Lewis
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Tigers and Tigresses:
Sleek, stealthy, predatory and deadly. Not to be Trusted an inch. Cheerfully eat alive anyone foolish enough to stand in their way. Smooth and charming when it's in their interests, they pounce swiftly when you least expect it. They may try to lull you into a false sense of security by offers of help and advice with your own career. If they do then beware; they are setting you up for a fall. Try riding a tiger or tigress to the top and you'll almost certainly end up as their lunch. Recognise them by their ruthless, although usually carefully concealed, ambitions. Deal with them by never standing in their way. Adopt the tactics of the Fox and defeat them by guile rather than confrontation.
Most likely to be seen watching the clock to make a snide comment in front of your manager when your back two minutes late from lunch!
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Gorillas:
Question - Where do 1,000jb office gorillas sit? Answer - Anywhere they damn well like! The big boss, he or she likes to terrify subordinates with deafening displays of bellowing and angry chest thumping. Although this usually succeeds in putting the fear of God into lesser jungle inhabitants, do not be misled. It's simply sound and fury signifying nothing. Deep down the Gorilla is a gentle beast, provoked to genuine rage only when threatened. Recognise Gorillas, by their positions of power and tendency to thump their chests. Deal with them by standing your ground without over challenging them head on.
Be prepared to take on your companies Gorillas with a stylish range of presentation supplies!


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Sloths:
Spend their time seeking a nice quiet place in which to sleep their way to retirement. Slow moving and slow thinking, the Sloth's only real ambition is to be left alone. Quiet, shy and self-effacing, the Sloth's favourite habitats are companies so large that they can vanish into the woodwork. Recognise Sloths by their quietness, modesty and inability to get anything done. Give them an urgent job on Monday and all you'll ever get are five days of ingenious excuses. Deal with Sloths as colleagues by never asking them to do a job to a deadline. Deal with Sloths as bosses, by finding another job as quickly as possible. Bankruptcy is just around the corner!
If you are unfortunate enough to have to deal with your office Sloth then buy a Coloured Highlighter so you can highlight the word URGENT!


 

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Jackals:
The most unpleasant beast in the office jungle, they attack their victims only after another predator has already brought them down. Jackals, who can be of either sex, usually hunt in packs. They gather eagerly, licking their lips in anticipation, whenever someone's head is on the block. Notorious gossips, Jackals take delight in recounting the misfortune of others. They are tale spreaders always running to the boss with ingratiating tittle-tattle. Recognise them by the enthusiasm with which they spread malicious rumours and their enjoyment of other people's misfortunes. Deal with the Jackals by never confiding in them of taking notice of the tales they tell.
Be prepared by having a shredder close to hand to dispose of bits of information you never want them to get there hands on!


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Foxes:
Quick thinking and crafty, foxes are natural survivors. Cunning and clever, they are usually able to outwit and outflank any other beast in the office jungle. Foxes have a keen nose for danger, which usually enables them to steer clear of trouble and turn setbacks to their advantage. They prefer to succeed through subtlety and guile rather than different confrontations. This is an especially valuable strategy when dealing with Tigers and Tigresses. Recognise foxes by their flexible thinking and the ease with which they adapt to changing circumstances. Deal with foxes, by watching how they react if the going gets rough and then copy their tactics.
Sometimes the office Fox will be found hanging around the Coat Stand preparing for a quick get away!


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Bambis:
Sweet and innocent little deer's who are easy victims for Tigers and Jackals. They refuse to believe that everybody is not as gentle, affectionate and trustworthy as themselves. Bambi's genuinely like their fellow workers and are willing to take on almost any tasks demanded of them. You'll find they make wonderful friends in whom you can confidently confide. Recognise Bambi's by their docile and friendly natures and desire to help without any prospect of personal gain. Deal with Bambi's by treating them fairly and you will win lifetime loyalty. But a word of warning - Both Tigers and Jackals sometimes play at being Bambi's, just to lull you into a false sense of security.
TIP - To find the real Bambi's of your office do this simple test. Ask if someone would mind helping you stuff 100 envelopes later today. Whoever replies with an excuse is a fake-the real Bambi will find the time to help a friend in need! (Make sure this is done when the boss is out as fake Bambi's may filter through if the boss is watching).